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When Defense is Destructive
I’ve watched for decades the way that people needing to be right, or worse, needing to be righteous, destroy the secure sense of safety necessary within their intimate relationships. The only way to win is not to play.
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about defensiveness, looking at ways in which I am a participant in destructive, relational games-of-war. Even in my own relationships with people I love dearly.
So, the phrase that keeps repeating in my head is this:
We can’t build walls and stockpile weapons in an effort to achieve peace. It’s not possible. The means we use to achieve our goals must reflect the end we seek.
If peace isn’t possible, build a wall. If we are being fired at, by all means, take cover. We need to protect ourselves and and be removed from the front lines. This is wisdom.
But if we are in relationship, a relationship within which we want or need to have peace, we’re going to have to lay down our weapons, offering full scale, active listening and peaceful negotiations that show awareness and even compassion for the needs of the other.
If we believe in the inherent goodness of the person on the other side of the wall… and, if we believe in…
